Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Query help

*Edits*

Ok, after some feedback, here's round 2. Thoughts?

Overcoming her past keeps ruining her future.

Sixteen year old Auriella is no longer a servant, abused and hated. Abandoned at birth at a ramshackle inn, Auriella grew up under a fog of unworthiness. The man who rescued her she now calls father; he’s the Captain of the King’s Guard and can keep her safe from anything. Her childhood was a living nightmare, but now she’s pushed the past behind a door and told it to stay there.

Caught between who she was and who she wants to be, she is determined to find a way to show her true worth. Just as a spark of romance starts to convince her that love doesn’t have to be earned, Auriella witnesses a servant girl being abused and realizes she can’t hide her own brokenness anymore. Helping the girl could redeem Auriella’s past, but it may be the one thing that severs her father’s love. She has to choose what is more important: to help someone escape the hell she lived in, or let herself be loved by the two men who would give anything for her.


SHATTERED, a YA novel complete at 82,000 words, tells the story of a girl desperate for healing from three points of view:  the girl who can’t see her own worth, the father who rescued her, and the boy who’d wage war to save her, if only she’d let him.


Do I need that first line? I thought it was a nice hook, but maybe completely unnecessary?

Some feedback I got said I need to determine setting/time period, so I threw in the "captain of the King's Guard" bit to accomplish that.

Better?  I love the last paragraph (it's actually my favorite) but I don't want to be super vague in the stuff before it. Thoughts??



So, a query. Basically in this letter a writer is trying (in about 250 words) to hook the reader; to tell enough of the story that people are intrigued and want to read your book.

Writing them is incredibly demoralizing.

Here is mine so far (draft 27!). Please take a look at tell me where you were intrigued, where you weren't, where you were confused. Basically, what hit you and gave you an emotional response.  There's a lot of tips on queries and taking them all in and applying them to such a small little piece of writing means this is a knotted mess that's not ironed out the way I want it yet. You can help by reading and responding!



Sixteen year old Auriella is no longer a servant, abused and hated.  Her childhood was a living nightmare, but her adopted father rescued her. She’s pushed the past behind a door, and told it to stay there. When she sneaks out and watches servants get traded like cattle, that door gets flung wide open.

Caught between her past and who she wants to be, Auriella becomes hell bent on proving her worth. Her endeavors put her at odds with her father, the one person she can’t stand hurting, and helping others doesn’t erase the pain of the past. Auriella can’t figure out how to be enough, but when romance begins to spark between her and one of her father’s men, she begins to think that maybe she doesn’t have to earn love.

When Auriella witnesses a servant girl being abused she can’t hide her brokenness anymore. Helping the girl may redeem Auriella’s past, but it means breaking the law and it may be the one thing that severs her father’s love. She has to choose what is more important; help someone escape the hell she lived in, or let herself be loved by the two men who would give anything for her.


SHATTERED, a YA novel complete at 82,000 words, is the first of a planned series.  It tells the story of a girl desperate for healing from three points of view:  the girl who can’t see her own worth, the father who rescued her, and the boy who’d wage war to save her, if only she’d let him.

1 comment:

  1. Hey! Sounds interesting. I have a few suggestions that I hope are helpful.

    Do you mean servant or slave? Even if you use the word servant inside the book (and there's a distinction that's explained) it might be more clear to use "slave" or "bondservant." Servant is ok, but to most people today carries the idea of voluntary service for a wage, which doesn't sound like it fits with what you mean.

    Maybe it would be quicker if I cut and pasted with suggestions.

    Sixteen year old Auriella is no longer a servant, abused and hated. [i think the part about adopted father is best explained inside the book, as it's unclear when he adopted her, before or after the rescue and isn't important to the point of the paragraph.] Her childhood was a living nightmare, but now she’s pushed the past behind a door and told it to stay there. [I took out the sneaking out part--not essential to your point and saves words] Caught between who she was and who she wants to be [i think this phrasing better shows the contrast],she is determined to find a way to show her true worth [i changed the hell-bent phrasing as you used hell later, and two hells in three paragraphs is a little much--you could make it "fiercely determined" if you need the emphasis].

    [I think the second paragraph is a little superfluous. The endeavors/helping part doesn't really clarify anything and the third paragraph is sufficient to show it puts her at odds with her father]

    Just as a spark of romance [the part about "one of her father's men" is confusing--is he a servant? A soldier?--and doesn't really matter to the point of the paragraph] begins to convince her that love doesn't have to be earned, Auriella witnesses a servant girl being abused and realizes she can’t hide her own brokenness anymore. [you don't reallly need the part about the door coming open. Saying it can't be hidden anymore implies that, and saves wordiness] Helping the girl could redeem Auriella’s past, but it may [changing the "may redeem" to "could" avoids repetition] be the one thing that severs her father’s love. She has to choose what is more important: [colon, not semi-colon] to help someone escape the hell she lived in, or let herself be loved by the two men who would give anything for her.

    So it would read like this:
    Sixteen year old Auriella is no longer a servant, abused and hated. Her childhood was a living nightmare, but now she’s pushed the past behind a door and told it to stay there. Caught between who she was and who she wants to be, she is determined to find a way to show her true worth.

    Just as a spark of romance starts to convince her that love doesn't have to be earned, Auriella witnesses a servant girl being abused and realizes she can’t hide her own brokenness anymore. Helping the girl could redeem Auriella’s past, but it may be the one thing that severs her father’s love. She has to choose what is more important: to help someone escape the hell she lived in, or let herself be loved by the two men who would give anything for her.
    [last paragraph was fine]
    ~~~
    I know that leaves out quite a bit, but sometimes details can make things more confusing if you don't know the story behind them. I can guess that these letters are supposed to be concise. I think the story sounds interesting and I'd read it. :-)
    After looking at your post again I realize this isn't really the emotional/what hooked you feedback you were asking for, but I guess I cut out the parts that confused me. I think what is interesting is wondering what happened to cause the brokenness, what her life is like now, and why helping someone could cause so much trouble. And how someone like her could realize (and how someone could prove) that love doesn't have to be earned.

    Good "luck!" I love to write, but couldn't ever come up with a whole book. My dialogue skills are NILL. But I do love to read/tweak/help. Hopefully this was a little helpful!

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