Pumpkin Spice #4

If you're new, scroll down to check the sidebar on the right to find Pumpkin Spice #1. Part #4 is below!

*****

Cold rain pounds against the kitchen window. A perfect fit to my mood. I stare into the refrigerator, my stomach grumbling and my mind a blur. I have no idea how I should be feeling after yesterday. Devastated is a bit much. For crying out loud, Dean and I have only been dating two months. But still, helping the guy you're dating pack, then waving at his beat up Jeep Cherokee as it heads to a state eight and a half hours away will leave a girl in search of something to accommodate her emotional eating habit.

But no. I am not going to turn into a dad-gum mope. Dean is gone, and life goes on. So this morning I got up, cleaned my room like a woman possessed, and went to the gym.

 

Which is how I know I must be losing it.

 

I open the bin in the bottom of the fridge. My roommate always keeps vegetables in the fridge. A bag of celery stares back at me. I grab it and can't help the grimace on my face. It's like eating cellulose covered in cardboard. Which maybe could be helpful. Celery is the one food that actually makes me want to starve myself. I throw the celery back in and slam the refrigerator door. 

 

What I really want is a plate of nachos covered in cheddar cheese.

 

And to know where I stand with this man I said goodbye to yesterday. 

 

Is he my boyfriend? We still haven’t said those words, and of course I have the timidity of a mouse and refuse to call him that until he calls me his girlfriend. The unknown grates against my type-A brain. I want it all figured out - all of life, from here to infinity. I want the happy ending where Dean and I get married and drive off in a horse drawn carriage while birds warble in the sky above us like in a Disney movie.

Enough of this. 

 

I rummage through the pantry and end up eating scrambled eggs and cottage cheese while my brain concocts a plan. No moping. No living for the phone to ring. I will be a woman with goals, separate from Dean, because I cannot control us. But I can control my life. I grab an old journal, ideas and dreams coming together in bullet points. 

 

Travel to Italy

Learn karate

Take a painting class

Save up enough money for a new car

 

My list grows and energy surges through me, despite my workout and the rain that continues to pound against the roof. I turn on a movie, a woman reborn. And I keep my phone nearby, just in case Dean calls or texts later. 

 

******

 

11.15 pm

 

Hey lady, it's late I know. You still up?                                               

Yep. How are you?  

 

Had to unload stuff in the pouring rain.  Less than ideal.

                                                         

Storming here, too. I'm surprised you haven't crashed already.

 

Too wired. I got my internet hooked up today so am wasting time.

                                                         

 Online shopping for new Converse or something?

 

They’re called Chuck Taylors Kace. ;) We're gonna have to work on your coolness.

                                                      

 I'm insulted. I spent all day today practicing Mario Kart and reciting. Star Wars quotes. Cool enough for you?

 

Cooler than me. I spent the day unpacking like a mad man. Still need to go to the store tomorrow 

so I actually have something to cook.

 

No take out in Columbus? Weird city...

 

I gotta save my money.

 

Gambling habit?

 

Girlfriend.

 

She sounds high maintenance. Does she demand diamonds and fancy dinners?

Ha - nope. Easiest going girl ever.

 

I thought you were dating me?

 

You put up with me moving away. I think you qualify as low maintenance. Not that i mind maintaining you or anything.

 

Is that why you're saving money? To put in a maintenance fund in case this girlfriend of yours gets out of control?....

 

Nope. I wanna save money so I can fly her up to see me over Valentine's weekend. Think she can pull herself  away from Mario Kart long enough to do that?

*****************************************************

 

I will never tire of how Dean's fingers feel laced through mine. Which means I'm really a fifteen year old girl at heart whose childhood consisted of too many Hallmark movies. But whatever. I squeeze his hand a little now and he squeezes back, like our own little flirty Morse code.

 

"Thanks for dinner," I tell him.

 

He cuts me a wry glance. Poor guy. Because of course his plans for a fancy dinner fell through when the overpriced steakhouse lost his reservation. I've never seen anyone look so flustered. After being told it'd be a two hour wait, I spotted a pizza place across the street. So we dined at Frankie's Pies with teenagers too cheap to take their dates somewhere nice.

 

"I mean it," I tell him, bumping his shoulder as we walk back to his apartment. "That was good pizza. And the company was pretty stellar."

 

He smiles and drops my hand, wrapping his arm around my waist. It feels good there, and not just because February in Ohio is freezing and we made the dumb choice to walk to dinner and back. I wasn't sure what to expect when Dean flew me up here this weekend. I've visited him once already. But this time he paid to fly me up, and it's Valentines, which in the eyes of a woman means "Huge Expectations." Or at least, it's supposed to. But pizza and Dr. Pepper with Dean is wonderful. And enough. I'm not expecting a declaration of love or anything. 

 

We amble up to the front of Dean's building. He drops his hand from my waist and reaches for his pocket. "Oh gosh."

 

"What?"

 

Dean sags his shoulders. "I can't believe I did this." He leans his head against the door, defeat washing over him.

 

"What?"

 

"I forgot my key card that gets me in the front door." Dean pulls on the door. Nothing. He sighs. "I bet it's still in the pocket of my other coat." He pounds on the door, but the loud raps are met with nothing but silence. 

 

Icy wind blows up my denim skirt. 

 

"Come on." Dean grabs my hand and leads me around the back of the building. There's a courtyard in the back, surrounded by a tall brick wall, a wrought iron gate wedged in between. Quaint, but also insurmountable. I glance at the fancy card swipe box thing beside the gate, then at Dean. "What are you going to do, break a window?"

 

Dean tugs on the gate then glances at the six foot high brick wall. "I have my apartment key, just not the card that gets me inside the building. But I know for a fact that the door from the courtyard is never locked." He stands back, and a prickle of unease shoots through me. Surely he's not....

 

But, yeah, he is. I watch, half in amazement, half in horror as Dean plants a sneaker on one of the old bricks and hoists himself up, using the iron bars of the gate to hold on to. The bricks are old and uneven, a blessing for those trying to scale them in the dead of night. Dean straddles over the top and grins at me. "That was easier than I thought." Then he swings a leg over and drops to the other side, one foot giving out as he lands. He winces and hops forward a few steps.

 

I press my face to the gate. "You all right?"

 

Dean stands. "Yep. You coming?"

 

Is he nuts? I shake my head. "I'm not going over that."

 

"Wuss."

 

"Dean, I'm in a skirt."

 

He brushes the dirt off his hands. "Oh yeah. Can't put my girl in a compromising situation." He heads toward the side door, as if I am a damsel in distress or one of those whiny girls I always make fun of. "Wait." I put a boot on the first brick and heave myself up. Thank goodness for all those extra evenings I've been putting in at the gym. And the fact that my denim pencil skirt has a bit of stretch to it.

 

Ok, so it's not terribly hard. I throw my leg over the top, and now the brick wall seems higher than it did at first. Much, much higher. "Oh, gosh."

 

Dean reaches his arms out. "You can do it. It's not that far."

 

"Says the man who nearly broke his ankle jumping down."

 

"I was going to come around and get you. Why'd you climb up?"

 

"To prove to my boyfriend that I'm actually Super Woman."

 

Dean smiles. "I already think that."

 

My insides melt while my backside continues to freeze sitting on this cold brick. Gosh, you wuss. Just do it. I fling myself off the wall and collide with Dean, sending him and me both flying to the ground.

 

Laughter bubbles out of me, as if joy is something corked inside me that Dean unleashes.

 

"You all right?" he asks.

 

"My pride is wounded."

 

Dean laughs and brushes a piece of hair out of my face.  I stare down at him. "Did I hurt you?"

 

"You will when you leave tomorrow."

 

His words are a fist, squeezing my heart. 

 

He brushes his fingers against my cheek. "I miss you so much, Kace." He leans up and presses his lips to mine. 

 

I sink into him and kiss him back, not minding the grass sticking to my tights or the way his elbow is jamming into my rib cage. Here we are two adults making out in the grass courtyard of his apartment. No fancy dinner and adult conversation for us. Instead we eat pizza and scale brick walls. And I think that's what makes me think I could be with Dean forever. Because whatever happens, we'll just roll with it. And I'd rather have disaster with him than perfection with anyone else.

 

A feeling that terrifies me.

 

I pull back and stare down at him lying in the grass. Then I trace my finger across his forehead and down his cheek to his chin, trying to memorize every detail of his face to take with me back to Georgia. "Happy Valentine's Day," I tell him. 

 

He pulls me down beside him and points to the sky, chock full of blinking stars. "Make a wish," he tells me.

 

He doesn't know I already have, a million times over. And my wish came true and is laying right beside me. 

 

Pain sears through my heart. Tomorrow I'll be on a plane, bound for home and my life in Georgia. I have a life with Dean and a life apart from him. And it'd be so easy to doubt the future and wonder and worry. 

 

But tonight I have Dean, and a sky full of stars. 

 

And that's enough.