Wednesday, April 8, 2015

A Gathering of Evil

When bad is awesome
Ya'll, my friend Cheyenne just keeps churning out genius. Last week she inspired the now famous (to a handful of people) Frat Castle story. I honestly wondered if 5 Word Wednesday was worth doing anymore after Frat Castle, because that story cannot be topped.

But we strive forward.

Today Cheyenne gave me:


And told me to write about all the Disney villains at a retreat/meeting of evil.

*insert squeal of delight*

So here we go:



Maleficent clanged her fist on the table. "This session of Maniacal Entities Acting Naughty will begin."

She plucked her to-do list from her crow's beak. "This month's dilemma: Spring is here. Days are warmer. People are going outside in vast numbers, getting exposed to sunshine. They're happier. It's disgusting. What are we going to do?"

Gaston leaned back in his chair and propped his boots up on the table. "Easy," he said. "We find the hairy ones and kill them."

"Agreed!" Cruella fist pumped the air. "Death to the hairy ones!"

"Ladies and gentlemen, please," cooed Scar. "Not all hairy mammals are bad."

"Just the ones lacking messed up faces," mumbled Jafar with a grin.

Scar snarled. "It's a birthmark."

Jafar coiled his mustache between his fingers and raised an eyebrow. "One your parents named you for?"

Scar mumbled something under his breath and sank down in his chair.

"It's the crocodiles," Hook said. "They come out in droves in warmer weather. I think I should lead a brigade to eliminate them."

"Oh, hell," said Hades, "I'll be wearing a parka when that happens. You'd wet your pants at the sight of a manatee, much less a crocodile."

"And it's those poor unfortunate humans who are at fault," huffed Ursula from her aquatic chair at the end of the table. "Not water animals."

"Oh hush it, Fish Fry," Scar said. "Summer is coming. We need to be prepared. How can we make people unhappy?"

"We should ask Elsa to join us," Jafar mused. "Then she could make it winter all the time. People hate winter. It makes them depressed and cranky. They get dry skin and their hair looks bad. This is what we want! Winter all the time!"

"Elsa won't join us of her own free will," Maleficent said. "We'll need to kidnap her."

Silence fell over the room. Kidnap Elsa? That would require a great feat of evil.

"Well," a voice spoke up. "I'm Prince Hans from the Seven Isles, and as I am the most striking member of the team, I'll lure her in with my charm."

Cruella scowled. "You'll have as much success at that as Iago and Maleficent's crow making a lovechild." She turned to Hades. "You're the only one with the gumption to pull this off. What's your idea?"

Hades drummed his fingers on the table. "We need a fall guy," he said. "Someone to blame this on if all goes bad." He looked at Scar. "What about that kid down the street? What's his name? Sid?"

Scar shook his head. "He got sent to juvy for setting toys on fire."

Hades chuckled. "Such a good kid." He turned to Ursula. "What about Mother Gothel?"

"Are you kidding?" Ursula said. "She's doing ten years at Rikers island for abducting kids."

Hades furrowed his brows. "Darla?"

Maleficent shook her head. "Getting her braces taken off. I'm fish sitting for her."

Hades glanced at the goldfish, bobbing belly up in the water. "What we need," he said, "is a prince. Not you-" he cut off Hans mid protest. "She knows who you are."

"I don't think it's going to work," said Scar. "It's so hard to get a female to believe what you want them to."

"It'll be easy," Maleficent said. "In today's age, cyber stalkers are everywhere. You could track down a girl even if she lived in the middle of the woods under an alias. Give the guy boyish good looks and a song, and by the end of two minutes of a dream-like state, they think they're in love."

Hades grinned. "Perfect. We get Elsa. We make it snow. Winter will bring out the worst in everyone."

"But who will we get to kidnap a prince?" wondered Scar."That's just abominable."

Hades grinned. "We'll get the Underminer. Nothing is beneath him."

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